Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Garden Design: Designed to Handle the Toughest Thoughts


Almost 2 decades ago, working in my garden, I spent much time praying for 3 quite ill friends.  By the end of the year my lesson was clear, Pray for G*d's will.  They were all dead.


Late this spring a text arrived in the early morning hours.  An extended family member, age 50, was dead, suicide.
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Something new to take into my garden.
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I did not like her yet knew where those odious parts of her personality arose.  In her teens I witnessed the train wreck passed off as 'parenting'.  An entire family melodrama, for decades, her parents ensorceled their clan into tacit approval yet the ridiculous cliche was true, The king wore no clothes.
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We were the only 2 at Lake Rabun, she had her 3 dogs, I had my 2.  Slept late, swam, played with the dogs, boated most of the afternoon, a picnic for lunch on the concrete dock, sunburned, it was dark when we sat in the kitchen, champagne + canapes, for dinner.  Is there any better chaos than 5 dogs in a small kitchen and cold champagne?   Casement windows & French doors wide open, it rates, still, as one of my favorite all time good dinners.  Total laughter
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Before calling her brother I made a list of all the validation points he would need to hear from me.  A good person he suffered the most, after her, in collateral damage from her raising.  And he tried many times in many ways thru the years to help her.  Only to be treated shabbily by her in return.  A long call, he meandered of his own volition thru each of the validation points I had written.
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A text last weekend, he had received the coroners report.  Conclusively, suicide.  Is her headstone at the cemetery yet?  With no more than that he knows what I'm asking,  Will you meet me at the cemetery when it's there?
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Married 30 years, I couldn't live with his alcoholism anymore.  Divorced almost 2 years, we will meet at the cemetery whenever.  No one can blame another for their drinking yet I know his family dynamics contributed greatly.  Sham parenting which bullied all those around into silence, Emotional Blackmail, Be complicit she is fine our parenting is fine.
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In my garden I realized she was one of the best at rescuing cats/dogs, I wish she had known that.  Our champagne dinner and all the pets she rescued, it's enough to remember someone with a smile.
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Garden & Be Well,     XO Tara
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Sham parenting?  They did everything John Rosemond says not to do, aka, give a man a fish dinner or teach him how to fish.  Her parents merely fed her fish.
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Pic via Gervais de Bedee.

13 comments:

FlowerLady Lorraine said...

Dear Tara ~ Your post touched my heart. Thank you for sharing.

Love, hugs and prayers ~ FlowerLady

Scat said...

Awe, tragic.

La Contessa said...

Love the description of daily LIFE!A sad sad post however…….I am a bit lost was this your husbands sister?No better place to go but the GARDEN!

Cerberus German shepherds said...

Tara...last week I buried a loved friend for the same reason. He was an elderly man with dementia. His wife died three years ago & he was grief stricken. I knew he was depressed so I hugged him everytime I saw him..with a big smile..& said I am so happy to you see you..including his last day on earth. We volunteered at a museum together for years...yet, I do not know if even knew my name. I asked him...Joe, will I see you Sunday? He said, "If, God wills it." I rebutted, "I wasn't promised tomorrow, either." That was the last I saw of him. I am putting in a memorial garden in at the museum in his honor. I have known as many people to die from suicide as any other cause...I hope you feel better...

Tara Dillard said...

Yes, Contessa, my sister-in-law.

And what a gifted writer she was too.

XO T

Cyndia said...

Tara, my heart was in my throat when I realized of whom you were speaking. Sitting in the middle of a restaurant, reading your post, and tears running down my face. I don't even know these people, and yet you made me know them.
I also come from that kind of family, so perhaps that is why I felt it so keenly. With help, I have emerged stronger, yet I have family members who can't see their way out. Agony to my heart and my soul.
Take the pain to the garden. She will heal us both; has done so many times, and shall again.

Divine Theatre said...

No. It cannot be suicide. Death of self began long before. Her body merely finally caught up.
I am sad, so sad, to lose a fellow animal rescuer. I know she will be missed.
Having lost both parents and my brother the same way, I think I know what you may be feeling.
There really was nothing you could do, my friend. Her dying started long before you knew her.
My heart is with her brother, her family, her beloved pets, and, of course, with you.


xo

Andie

Merlin said...

What a price for peace. Mental health...the black sheep of the family. franki

Kay dancingbrushpainting.blogspot.com said...

A very moving post Tara. And so well-written.

Shows healing that you are finding ways to remember her positively despite the tangle. Peace to you in your garden and at the cemetery.

Kay

Morgan said...

What a price for peace - mental health brought Dr. Ron Dunn's words to mind who lost a son to suicide and wrote "Will God Heal Me" and much of his book related to the issue of the stigma associated with mental illness:
"Depression may affect the victim in many ways---from deep feelings of sadness, guilt, uselessness, worthlessness, and futility to impaired memory and poor concentration. A sense of losing one’s mind is not uncommon. Uncontrollable tears, profound apathy, and fatigue often occur, along with appetite changes, dehydration, and severe weight loss. Suicide is a constant risk and sleep often unattainable.

The good news about depression is that help is available. You don’t have to feel that way. A combination of medication and psychotherapy can make a normal life possible. “The best brain in the world,” writes Wilfred Sheed, “cannot think its way out of depression, because all its ideas are poisoned at the source.” ( Wilfred Sheed. In Love with Daylight. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1995, p. 57)

Unfortunately, there is such stigma attached to mental disorders that many, if not most, of those afflicted refuse to get help. Again, their depressed state is seen as a sign of weakness and medication as a crutch. In the case of treating manic-depressive illness (which is highly treatable), the number-one problem is getting the patient to take his medicine. Most fail to get help because they fear exposure, believing that exposure will lead to rejection.
I think one reason we have so much trouble with this issue is that we have a mind-body split. If we think of the self as all one (although with different dimensions---a tri-unity rather than a trinity), then we would tackle the physical at the same time as the spiritual, knowing that it is all interrelated.

But if we go on thinking there is just a spiritual problem, then that is a form of dualism, which for the Christian disavows the Incarnation. Christianity says the body is real. If we see Jesus as meaning anything at all, it’s an Incarnation in the flesh. Therefore, a depressed Christian ought to seek the help both of a medical and a spiritual counselor. ( Dr. Betty Sue Flowers, quoted by Kathy Cronkite. On the Edge of Darkness. New York: Doubleday, 1994, pp. 204-5)

Tara Dillard said...

Text today from my 30 year husband, "Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same questions: We are will to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding." Norman Maclean.....

Lydia said...

This is a piece to read and reread. It must have been painful to write- I thank you for daring to say what we all feel the need to hear. Peace and blessings to you.

Connie in Hartwood said...

What a classic piece of Tara you have offered to us today! So much said, such wisdom, all in so few perfect words. Please accept my most sincere condolences ... and know that you have touched many, many hearts ... mine, especially.